


A Dangerous Thing

by nom



Category: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Torchwood
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Humor, TSCC, jack/cameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-23
Updated: 2009-10-23
Packaged: 2017-10-08 03:53:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/72425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nom/pseuds/nom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who wouldn't want to have Captain Jack teach them about sex?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Dangerous Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://community.livejournal.com/omnijaxual/profile)[**omnijaxual**](http://community.livejournal.com/omnijaxual/) community.
> 
> Kinda crackish, and much more talk than pr0n.

[heads-up display: TARGET ACQUIRED]

"You are Captain Jack Harkness?"

"Why hi there, yes I am."

"Come with me. I require your expertise."

"What's a pretty slip of a girl like you need me for? Trouble with aliens? Earth cavemen? Or don't tell me, your ship won't start."

"Jack Harkness, you have been identified as an expert in human, transhuman, and nonhuman sexual responses and pleasure. I require your expertise. Remove your clothing."

 

"Okay.... Wait, you're not hiding a Defabricator anywhere, are you? Or big scary brothers who are unreasonable and unattractive?"

"My mission parameters mandate the absence of siblings or affiliated units. My current objective requires learning how to engender mating behavior in a human male, even if the human is inclined to be distrustful. You will teach me. Now."

[ripping sound]

"Hold on, wait up! Damnit, I liked that shirt, it was very flattering."

"I regret damaging your clothing. Please proceed with teaching me about human-male sexual responses and erotic stimuli."

"Before we're both completely naked here, what's your name?"

"You may call me Cameron."

"Alright Cameron, how are you at kissing? Is that something you've done before?"

"I have seen kissing performed on television and other audiovisual media. It is unclear how human participants avoid injury."

"Luckily enough I'm an expert kisser, and you're very attractive, so we can practice as much as you need. The thing with kissing is -- see how I'm tilting my head just a little bit? -- this is a cue for the other person to tilt their head at the opposite and complementary angle so you don't crash your noses into each other."

[APPROACH SPEED: 0.09 MPH. ANGLE OF APPROACH TO TARGET: 24 DEGREES]

"Excellent, good job. Back off a second and let me tell you about lips. Lips are a fabulous erogenous zone all by themselves. Lips on lips, lips on neck, lips pretty much anywhere. But for now, lips on lips. What you want to do here is slowly work on varying your level of pressure, speed, wetness, and eventually, the amount of tongue. And you watch and feel and listen for your partner's responses to you. The stuff your partner likes, you repeat and play with upping the intensity of. Just remember, you never want to start off by suddenly sticking your tongue down someone's throat -- Earth humans rarely like that as first contact."

"If I understand you correctly, you recommend cautious initial exploration of the terrain, careful assessment of responses, and proceeding with an appropriate level of intensity based on partner response."

"If that's how you want to put it, yes, pretty much."

[nibbling, licking, humming, and some breathy noises ensue]

++

"Nice... You're catching on to kissing pretty quick, but unfortunately if I were to guess, I'd say it isn't actually doing anything for you. That is, your pupils aren't dilated -- whoa, that's kind of a lot and sudden -- okay better now -- and usually around this point I'd expect slightly faster breathing, accelerated heart-rate, and maybe a hint of rosy flush and a tiny bit of perspiration at the temples. ... And again, normally not all at once in less than two seconds, keep that in mind for next time. What kind of alien did you say you were? Shapeshifter or bodyborrower?"

"I am not capable of shapeshifting. Do you believe I have mastered kissing?"

"As long as you keep the general rule of 'pay attention to your partner's responses and show some yourself' -- because most humans will want to get the idea you're enjoying it -- firmly in mind, then yes."

"Good. Please proceed. What comes after kissing? Are there advanced techniques? The audiovisual media I studied seemed imprecise and contradictory."

"Advanced techniques... well, some of those fall under 'kissing different parts of the body' -- which we'll get to. But back to responses and perceptions for a minute here. When you're initiating sex with a human, you'll also want to keep in mind how your partner perceives you. Too much expertise in advanced techniques -- especially some you may have seen in various audiovisual media, do not trust the Internet -- has connotations of ... professionalism, which in most current-era Earth cultures is not seen as positive for women."

"I have seen references to something called the Madonna-whore complex. Is this relevant?"

"Yes, to some extent. If you have time, study up on it. But Cameron, I assume you're on Earth to run some kind of con, and to be effective, you'll want to develop one or more personas you can maintain for as long as you need to. I don't know if you can pull off 'innocently flirtatious' or the shy part in 'shy yet eager.' Shy is different from affect-impaired, and flirting is an advanced social skill you, ah, might need some remedial work on.... Hmmm. How about 'awkward yet friendly,' do you think you could play that, with some more study? It can sometimes nicely segue into 'inexperienced yet enthusiastic and talented for the right partner' -- that one could work well for you."

"I will consider these concepts when I have more processing time available. Can we return to the practical part of the curriculum?"

++

"You are not flushing, yet you show the other indicators you mentioned earlier most strongly after I place my mouth here and here. Or [muffled] here."

"Ah, ah, yes! You're, uh, uh, right, doing very well on intermediate techniques. Keep up the -- oh, yes, right there -- good work."

[more acrobatic activities, discussions about the appropriate level of self-lubrication, and the capability to experience or convincingly fake orgasms follow]

++

"This... falling unconscious and gasping, is this part of the normal human male sexual climax?"

"Ah no, that's because you just killed me. You're a little -- all right, a lot -- stronger than you look, and not only are you extremely, extremely pneumatic, but you seriously do not want to use that much torque with a normal human male you want to keep around, because once they die, they stay dead. Got that?"

"Understood -- reduce the amount of force and torque."

"Right. Though I'll say, this is far from the worst way to go..."

[INFORMATION CONTRADICTS MISSION PARAMETERS -- ADDITIONAL INFORMATION RETRIEVAL REQUIRED TO COMPUTE MISSION SUCCESS]

"Does this mean you do not die?"

"No, no I don't. Not for long."

"You are not a normal human male."

"Never said I was. ... Shall we try that again, less forcefully?"

++

"Well, Cameron, you've just about graduated from the Jack Harkness introductory seduction seminar. At this point, all that's left to cover is 'afterglow,' which is essentially this: either small talk or no talk -- usually while cuddling or, depending on what location or decade you're in, sharing a cigarette -- immediately after sex. Afterglow chit-chat can be a great way to subtly elicit sensitive information you need for your con."

"So post-coital small talk can be a useful tactic for information-gathering purposes?"

"Right."

"Small talk or chit-chat. Please explain, unlike with normal human males, causing your death is not an effective way to permanently remove you?"

"No, it is not. Also, that's starting to sound a little creepy, Cameron -- not an afterglow small-talk topic I'd recommend. But yes, I don't stay dead, so killing me isn't useful, it's just annoying and painful. Still, considering that I've been a very nice guy and helped you out, how about some honor among thieves or intergalactic con-artists here? And chances are I'll be taking a vacation from planet Earth again sooner or later, so please stop dwelling on my death or lack of it."

"Initial testing of my 'awkward persona' against archived popular-culture indicators suggests that it is time to get dressed now."

"You owe me a shirt."

++

"Goodbye, Cameron."

[ADJUST MISSION PARAMETERS Y/N  
ADJUST MISSION PARAMETERS... Y  
TERMINATION OVERRIDE]

"Goodbye Jack Harkness. Your assistance is appreciated. If you can you should leave Ear -- abort compromise of mission parameters, rephrase -- "

[TERMINATION OVERRIDE - INFORMATION COMPROMISE - SYSTEM MALFUCTION]

"Goodbye Jack Harkness. Your assistance is appreciated, you should -- abort compromise of mission parameters, rephrase -- "

[TERMINATION OVERRIDE - INFORMATION COMPROMISE - SYSTEM MALFUNCTION - AUTO-MAINTENANCE INITIATED]

"Goodbye Jack Harkness. Your assistance is appreciated, and if you have means of departing this planet, do so. Goodbye Jack Harkness. Goodbye Jack Harkness. Leave this location now. System shutdown and reboot initiated, termination orders will be reset."

[AUTO-MAINTENANCE SYSTEM SHUTDOWN AND REBOOT INITIA...]

 

+++

**Author's Note:**

> [story notes](http://nomanomynous.livejournal.com/2256.html#cutid6)
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback? Appreciated, here or [at LJ](http://nomanomynous.livejournal.com/1642.html).


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